How the Right is Wrong

(aaaand this is where you should set your phasers to "sarcasm")

With the 2012 election season drawing near, now is usually the time when politicians declare there intentions to become leader of the free world. This year, however, the Republican Party has been slow to commit. With several potential front-runners and no declared candidates, somebody needs to take charge and fight for the rights of the long-downtrodden underdogs—rich, white, married heterosexuals—and fulfill his Christian duty, his moral obligation, by protecting the country from those who seek to destroy it from the inside out.

Without intervention, this blessed country is on track to failure. The moment Obama stepped into office, the US economy tanked, clearly a calculated move in his evil plot. As if that wasn’t enough, he single-handedly dug us deeper into debt with his irresponsible fiscal policy. After that, he went after socializing healthcare and won that too. Soon, marriage will no longer be defended from attacks by evil homosexuals in committed relationships. Once that wall is broken down, there will be abortion stores funded by taxpayer dollars open in every neighborhood and Muslims will be imposing sharia law on good Christian citizens.

It’s no wonder why the president seeks to destroy our country. It takes only a glance at his name to reveal his true intentions: Barack Hussein Obama is a Muslim-sounding name. All jihadists have Muslim-sounding names as well. Barack Obama is obviously a secret Muslim jihadist. And while the president claims he is not a terrorist, he has never been able to produce solid evidence to the contrary, nailing his coffin shut. A recent poll also supports this conclusion, with a majority of Republican voters believing the president to be at the least a secret Muslim. Take another glance at his name, and it’s clear that not only does the president have ties to Al Qaeda, but he was in league with Saddam Hussein. Why else would his middle name be Hussein, if not in honor of the dictator with whom he was chummy?

Beside the point of his name, Obama is also a liar and incompetent. Coming into office, he pledged to fight for gay rights, shut down Guantanamo Bay, and end the conflict in the Middle East. Gay marriage has yet to materialize, Guantanamo Bay is open for business again and the war is still going strong. The man can’t even destroy America effectively!

The future can either be a world in which a child can no longer play merrily with his father’s .22, a world where companies are stripped of their humanity, a world inhabited by gay-married Muslim commie baby-killers; or the future can be bright. Are you a good American citizen or do you support such evils as homosexual marriage? A decent politician who wishes her country remain intact, her home untouched by the evils of socialism and terrorism, and her reputation untarnished will stand up and fight for what is right- tax cuts for the rich, a gun in every six-year-old’s hand, corporations as people, and homosexuals as second-class citizens. The world is waiting, Ms. Palin

An Education of My Own

Friday night, I sat up late watching An Education on my laptop. The first time I saw it (in 2010), I positively adored it to bits, but this time was different. I had a weird feeling in my stomach the whole time. And it wasn't from eating too many Hawaiian-style potato chips, either. It was an intense emotional connection to what I was watching on the screen. Because I realized I was practically watching the past 1 1/2 years of my life unfold before my eyes.

(To anyone unfamiliar with the film, I really must simply tell you to go watch it because it's a beautiful heart-breaking coming-of-age tale, and I'm simply awful at giving summaries of whole films.)

My (now ex-) boyfriend (referred to as Boyfriend from now on) and I got together during the summer of 2009. He is "just" a year older than me, but two years ahead in schooling, at the time a freshman in college whereas I was still a junior in high school. Boyfriend had expensive taste, money, and his own fast-paced "adult" life at school. I couldn't wait to grow up and so jumped at the chance to at least pretend. He bought me beautiful clothes, took me to expensive restaurants and galleries, enveloped me in a dream world where everything is cocktail parties, designer clothes, and mid-century modern furniture. It was a wonderful illusion, living on the weekend as what I imagined a high-class socialite would. But I was still just a school-girl, just like Jenny, even after we were both transformed by high culture and expensive taste.

Luckily, instead of having my life prospects nearly ruined, as in the film, Boyfriend and I just sort of petered out and I regained a small bit of my perspective. But it took this film to realize that I truly was out of my element for the year we were together, pretending like a child dresses up in her mother's high-heels and lipstick, tottering around on wobbly ankles.

I still have all the clothes, and I must say a thank you to Boyfriend for cultivating my taste in fashion, and also for spending oodles of money on me. But I now embrace the fact that I spend most of my Friday nights waltzing with old men, doing crossword puzzles, or watching reruns of Dick Van Dyke. It's kind of fun being a high-school nerd, really, for the time being. But I can't wait to get to college!

Dear Politically Uninformed Blowhards,

Go read a damn newspaper! Or at least use your goddamned common sense to consider the validity of statements before you start spouting absolute nonsense like a fire hose and end up drenching poor unsuspecting passersby. Because no one wants to listen to your bullshit.

If you couldn't tell, I'm a little sick of people who have no idea what is going on or how our political system actually functions. For example, all of the following "facts" were suggested by my creepy translucent stand partner during a concert rehearsal and I about grabbed his euphonium and jammed it on his head right then and there.

>Obama sucks because he can't even pass a bill (healthcare) and a Republican could totally have gotten it done MONTHS ago

HELLO. HEALTHCARE SUMMIT? Yeah, your party called it a "trap". And is essentially doing all it can to BLOCK THE BILL'S PASSAGE. FAIL.

>Obama's not a US Citizen

Don't you think that the election committee might... how you say... "check" these things before letting people run for president? As it is sort of a requirement. Seriously, otherwise we'd have the Terminator in Chief on our hands instead of the Governator.

>Obama's daddy was a Kenyan terrorist

Just WHAT. THE. FUCK?!

>Obama's middle name has a bearing on his ability to govern

Mmkay. I feel like I shouldn't have to tell people this, but NO. No it doesn't. My Korean friend's last name is Kim, but does that mean she agrees with north Korean politics? NO. NO IT DOESN'T. In fact, Kim is like America's "Smith".

What's depressing is that I'm sure the only place he could have gotten all this shit from was his parents. Not really surprising when one considers that all the concerned mommies and daddies in my community found it necessary to force our principal to make Obama's address to the school system an "opt-in" affair because of some crap that Rush Limbaugh/Fox News fed them.

We had to opt out of a lecture by some former prostitute who could have prevented her entire ordeal by simply going to a hospital when she was raped rather than giving into blackmail, and later took no action to improve her situation. So really she had no message at all except that she was a dumbass as a teen.

?

I truly believe that as a 17 year old junior in high school, I am more informed than most college-educated 40 year olds. That's a little fucked up. I'm the one who's supposed to be off savoring youth by wreaking havoc around the city and smoking everything I can get my hands on. And yet it seems I'm the one who has to be the responsible citizen and educate others. That's a little off. So PLEASE, everyone, check your facts before you go off on ideological tirades and let me get back to my reefer madness.

Teaspoon out.